Brain dead/fuck

12:03 am, wide awake, listening to poetic and sweet acoustic American country music, waiting for my internet connection to sort itself out, trying to keep my emotions stable, (and failing). Sometimes I contemplate seeking professional help, then my mood mellows out, and I forget. I always wish I didn't feel the things I do though, my mind is driving me to insanity. It's not fun, I can assure thee.
I don't even think that's a word. Not sure, haha. As I spend my days alone and bored, waiting to hear back for interviews, with my friends at work, or busy with their lives, I grow ever more impatient, and tired, but so so awake. I've so much free time I can no longer think of what to do with it, and it's not as pleasant as one may think. Sometimes I desperately wish I could escape into one of the fictional worlds I play about in on my Xbox, or read about in books, as cliche as that may be, it would be a dream come true for me. I've always longed for a world more interesting and fantastic than this one. If I could earn a living by slaying beasts and tyrants as opposed to, working behind a till, if we travelled about on the backs of four legged mythical creatures, instead of cars or busses or trains, etc. etc.
It does depress me ever so to be reminded of the grim and grey world we are forced to live upon. But if I let it bother me so much all the time I'd be a hell of a lot more depressed. It's not always so terrible, but much of the time one needs dolla to appreciate that. A luxury I won't have until I get a job. My goodness aren't I a cheery one?
Lalalala I don't know what else to input.
Do let me know if you find my ramblings interesting, or if I should stop. I'd be ever so intrigued to hear what you have to say about my life.

Job day/girly things/boring

Today was job day, as in, I dedicated most of it to ringing up companies, shops, bars, hotels, etc, for job vacancies, and the rest filling out application forms. So far there's one I really have my eye on, a sales assistant position at a local video game shop, doesn't sound like much, but for me it's perfect. I've always loved playing video games, first began with Lemmings, then Rayman, and now I'm big on mmorpgs, wrpgs and sandbox games. I believe, for once, I'd actually have a lot to offer in said position. 
Not a very interesting day I must (sadly) admit, time seems to be passing painfully slow, and I have found myself waiting for many many things. 




Changing the subject, I've recently discovered myself growing somewhat of an infatuation with pretty girly things, and pretty girly clothing. I'm pretty big on pastel colours right now, I ordered an adorable pink crucifix (never thought I'd use the words "adorable" and "crucifix" in the same sentence) with a unicorn printed on it, I also sorta like unicorns now. How cliche. I'm also hopping down to the local salon sometime next week for a loose perm before I redye my hair (lilac this time), and as soon as I get a job (and I WILL get a job) I'll probably begin splurging on brands like Lime Crime, Gunne Sax, Little Wolf Vintage and 6%DOKIDOKI, I like Japanese stuff. 
I've also begun reading (I say reading, more, browsing) fashion blogs now, some of my favourites are http://www.amintasfashionblog.com/  and http://effiesmakeupbox.blogspot.co.uk/ 
if I ever come up with something to write about, I may start one of my own... but I dream.


I've run out of things to blog about now, I do apologise for how painfully boring this was.


Peace

First attempt/Food diary.

I don't know if anybody will read this, and I don't know that I care, I guess this is just a place for me to spew my thoughts and feelings about things I encounter, and maybe someone somewhere will find it interesting.
Today I started keeping a food diary. See, I hate feeling out of control, but more specifically, I hate feeling out of control with things I know I'm perfectly capable of controlling. It's mostly with small things, for example, I hate it when my room becomes cluttered and untidy, hardly anybody who knows me will believe that statement, but it's true, I'm just too lazy to do anything about it. Well no more! (For now), I've recently acquired the "I'm actually going to try and take control of my life" attitude, for the millionth time, last time I tried starting an excersize routine, it lasted a week.
Reverting back to the topic I initially intended on blogging about; my food diary. No, don't worry, I won't be so boring as to make an entire blog post about the fact that I've eaten soup today, but I'm going somewhere with this, I promise.
I've always been one of those people who fluctuates how they feel about their body image, and it's rarely ever positive. For the last few months I've been allowing myself to become more gluttonous than usual, could be the microgynon, I've heard it can do that, but either way, I have begun putting on weight, which being a naturally slim person I was deluded into believing such a thing to be impossible. Well unfortunately I discovered I am just like everyone else, and am not an exemption to the rule that is over eat fatty foods = start getting fat. 
I've always had a paralyzing fear of becoming fat, chunky, chubby, whatever you want to call it, I don't care how shallow that sounds, I'm an image obsessed person, and it's only natural the image I'm most obsessed with is my own, I can't give a reason for why I think thin is prettier than not thin, but I also can't give a reason as to why I'm scared of spiders. I believe my ability to remain skinny rested on my small diet, (I never really felt very hungry that often until recently), my apparently fast metabolism, and my old smoking habit. As some of you may know smoking can be a minor hunger supressant, if ever I felt the desire for a snack, I'd instead roll up a cigarette, however due to recent circumstances smoking is no longer a pleasant option for me. So I quit.
I believe that by creating a food diary I shall be able to maintain controll over what I eat and how much of it I eat. Now I'm not knowledgeable enough on food sciences to know what I should and shouldn't eat to achieve my ideal weight, so I'm just going to go with, eat whatever common sense dictates is healthy, and don't snack. Unless it's like an apple or something.
If you are reading this blog and are looking for ways to lose weight please don't take my word for anything, what I do may work for me, it may not, at least if it doesn't that's my own life I made a mistake in, if you want to lose weight reliably then ask someone who actually knows.. stuff. 
That's only a tiny fraction of the thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis.


Peace.