:/

I just keep remembering all the really lovely times we spent together, I keep playing them over and over in my head. Our first date, how we discovered we both had been semi infatuated by each other for about a prior after we first met, how amazing that night was, and how nervous he seemed the next day when he asked me out on a second date. Nobody I was attracted to as much as him ever seemed to be nervous around me, at this point I was so incredibly un used to attention let alone male attention, for so long I felt invisible, had zero confidence and self esteem, so to have somebody who I perceived to be gorgeous, almost overwhelmingly attractive, not only like me back but actually seem to like me enough that I made them nervous, that was very new to me. I remember the night he came back from his fortnight in France, how he'd met me in his room but exited briefly to help his brother with the luggage, I was stood waiting patiently for him to come back, letting my eyes wander about his/our room, expecting nothing more than for him to calmly re enter, give me a quick hug and then return to his laptop, instead I remember this very clearly, I heard the door open and before I could turn around to see him I just about saw a black and white blur dash toward me out of the corner of my eye and pull me into a tight embrace, as if he never wanted to let go, and proclaim how much he missed me, and I him, and then as he went to close his bedroom door, I slipped off my dress to reveal the lingerie I had picked out specially for this night, and the look on his face when he turned around, priceless.
I remember a day where we had both gotten ill, and neither of us were people who dealt with being ill very well (that meaning, we were the whiney, melodramatic child like type when it came to illnesses), but something about being in love makes me want to go above and beyond for that person I love, so I dragged myself out of bed while he was still playing his video games, and braved the icy cold winter, trekking out to our local supermarket, where I stocked up on kleenex tissues, the special soft kind, that's better for your sore nose, 2 crates of schweppes lemonade cans, his favourite, some chocolate and lots of juice, olbas oil and some sherbet dip dabs (also his favourite), and came home with my hands full of goodies to surprise him, I loved surprising him like that, it made me so happy to see how grateful and happy he was to be surprised. We spent the rest of the evening cuddling in bed.
One of the moments, a funnier moment, and also a moment that in my mind signified our relationship had reached a pretty steady point, I often get really uncomfortably hot and sore feet if I've been doing a lot of walking in the cold weather, like, it's really unpleasantly hot, and I was playing a video game and absent mindedly commented on how my feet hurt, to which I received a (seemingly) absent minded response of "oh, really?" "Yeah," "aww, babe, that sucks." Seeing him go to his wardrobe out of the corner of my eye whilst this being said, the next moment he'd knelt down in front of me, covered his hands in lotion and began rubbing my feet, I was oddly touched by this, and as dumb or weird as this may sound I felt like that little display of kindness, made me sure of his love for me.
The morning of the 9th of January, 2013, the morning after he had proposed, he rolled over in bed next to me, placing a hand on my cheek and smiling, looking deep into my eyes, and telling me how beautiful he thought I looked with the sunlight falling on my face, and how happy he was that we'd made that commitment. I always loved how happy to see me he was when he was under the influence of meth amphetamines, he seemed pretty happy to see me most of the time, but because he saw me all of the time, there was always hint of complacency in his voice when he greeted me like "sup pinks" it was very nonchalant. Yet on MDMA whenever I walked into a room, or if he'd been taking it whilst I was away, and I returned, he seemed as though he couldn't be happier that I was there, beckoning me to come and cuddle him by extending his arms with a giant grin or playfully patting the bed and beaming always saying something to the effect of "HEYYYY sweetie! I missed youuuuu".
I remember one morning coming into his room after I'd spent the night at mine, to let him and his friends have a guys night in, and they were all fast asleep in sleeping bags and duvets across his bedroom floor, the cutest sight, might I add, they'd had themselves a very cool sleepover it would have seemed, and naturally his friends had to wake him up to let him know I'd arrived, I went over to sit on the end of his bed and say hi, and ended up getting pulled into a big cuddle in his lap, and he seemed shockingly interested in everything (and I mean everything) I had to say. I remember the first time I opted into trying MDMA with him, he had "come up" about, 20 minutes before I did, and so was very loved up and cuddly around me anyway, and I was sort of leant over his lap trying not to "wait" for my high to hit, and he was busy in conversation, then I remember just, slipping out of his arms, and back onto the bed, I don't remember the next few seconds, partly because I had my eyes closed, so I didn't see anything that went on around me, and my body was adjusting to the drug and so was extremely overwhelmed and trying to deal with the drastic change, but I remember as I began calming down and becoming more stable, I felt his arms envelope me and caress my hair and my arm/shoulder/back, holding me close to his chest, kissing my forehead and whispering to me things like "Just remember you're in control, you're doing great, this is just your body adjusting, you'll feel amazing in a second, just think about how much I love you, how much we love each other, and how everyone here loves you," and then the euphoria hit me, I opened my eyes, and I think I remember him just exclaiming how breathtaking my eyes were. I remember going out for a really nice meal on our 6 month-a-versary thing (idk what the proper term for it is), where we just talked and talked and talked for ages, and decided on that day that we wanted to go to university together, and I remember just how taken care of he made me feel then and there. Christmas was also very well spent, given most of the day we spent apart, having family time, but I stayed over his that night, so after everyone had eaten their christmas dinners and spent sufficient time with just their families, I returned to his, and him and his friends and his brothers sat around playing their new games and watching new films, and then me and I occupied myself quite happily curled up in his bed with his new scarf, reading my new book, and that was one of the times that we didn't spend cuddling up to each other, in deep conversation with each other, making love, kissing, being physically close, paying full attention to each other, but instead comfortable doing our own things, and still enjoying each others company with the company of others, and that really made me feel like things were stable, healthy and steady. The night before we broke up, we'd gotten into a petty squabble over a video game, and being naturally stubborn people, spent the next hour in silence to each other until somebody admitted they were wrong, but like it always did, after a certain amount of time spent in silence I began to worry, would this lead to us being really angry at each other for the entire night? Next day even? What if this causes a silly little rift that tears our relationship apart, I remember he left the room without a word, I stared after him but didn't say anything, not out of pride but out of fear of what I'd even say, or how he'd react to the silence being broken, then when he returned he, without saying a thing, placed a rocket ice lolly on my desk next to me, I gingerly inquired as to what that was about, and he turned to me and said "it's a peace offering, I don't want to fight with you" I looked at it, and so relieved he wasn't mad at me, gently smiled back and clambered over to his side of the bed to give him a kiss and a hug, that was the first time a silent argument had finished without bloodshed/screaming, I felt like we were finally beginning to resolve our issues and grow, that's why our fight the next morning was so hurtful to me, I felt like we'd taken a thousand steps backwards and couldn't even function together anymore. Over the months we spent not speaking after that, I contemplated sending him an email with a jpeg of a rocket ice lolly attached, saying "this is my peace offering", as a cute way of trying to end our discord between each other, but like always, I never got the guts to be the first one to break the silence.
There are so so many more fond memories I have that make me feel insane to have doubted his love for me for even a second, that make me hate myself for ever even once taking that relationship for granted, that maybe if I had just backed down in that last fight, if I had just simply admitted I was wrong, swallowed my pride, maybe we'd still be together.